Home > Uncategorized > The Weekly Report 30th April 2012

The Weekly Report 30th April 2012

Welcome to The Weekly Report at the Cheap Ferret. Every week I dissect the news that’s crossed my radar and offer my opinion, which everyone is entitled to.

The big news of the week is, of course, the Murdochs appearing at the Leveson Inquiry and offering their supposed evidence. And from that, suggestions that Culture Minister Jeremy Hunt was secretly plotting with them to try and provide them with everything they wanted.

But what concerned me about the whole matter was the fact that James Murdoch seems to be suffering from some kind of severe amnesia and Rupert Murdoch has no idea what’s going on inside his own company.

There’s not a lot that James Murdoch remembers. He doesn’t remember why he rang Jeremy Hunt, he doesn’t remember ever reading his emails, and he doesn’t remember being given any files pertaining to hacking. I was waiting for him to reveal he doesn’t remember where he left his keys, what his name is, or why he wears glasses, and after leaving the inquiry would probably forget he even went in front of it.

Rupert Murdoch, on the other hand, claimed that he finds tactics like phone hacking to be “lazy journalism”. And yet, considering how long it was going on at his papers, it seems he’s quite happy to support lazy journalism. But to be fair, it was The Sun and the News Of The World. No one was particularly claiming they were pillars of great journalistic integrity in the first place.

They also seem completely deluded into thinking the public doesn’t see them as greedy, vampiric ghouls having clandestine meetings with politicians to try and get their own way, despite the fact that the general public has been thinking that about them for a long time. Also, the evidence that they were doing just that might have a hand in why people think that. Just saying.

Oh, and neither of them really read their own newspapers. Stellar job making yourselves look good, fellas!

At this point they’re both either deeply corrupt, lying really badly in front of a major inquiry, or they’re downright stupid. Possibly both, but I’m definitely leaning towards the latter. Neither of them remembers anything, and never have during the entire investigation. It would be funny if the company wasn’t so desperate to influence public decisions.

In other news, Heathrow Airport has yet again been having trouble for excessively long queues at border control. A big part of this is due to reduced border control staff, an ingenious idea three months before the Olympics brings us an influx of tourists, holding people up as they arrive fresh off the plane.

Naturally, people aren’t happy, not least BAA, who owns the airport, who’ve demanded an explanation in front of the board from the immigration minister. Hilariously, the spokesperson for the home affairs select committee stated that this needs to be fixed, regardless of the upcoming Olympics, since Heathrow needs to be a world-class airport at all times. Well, they’d better get started at some point.

Heathrow has never been a world-class airport. Everyone coming into the country seems to be funnelled through Heathrow, while other UK airports (including Gatwick, which serves the same city) remain largely empty. This creates endless disruption, angers visitors and generally creates a bad situation for anyone involved. But rather than accept that maybe fewer flights need to be filtered through Heathrow, and maybe use Gatwick or other nearby airports more, they find as many inane ways to cling to Heathrow as the UK’s sole airport.

It’s notable that Heathrow is Europe’s busiest airport by international passengers, and yet has fewer landings and take-offs than Paris’ Charles De Gaulle Airport. Those are not good statistics, and probably explained by all those endless, unmoving queues and delays as a result of trying to serve too many customers at once.

Maybe they should be thinking about how to spread some more flights to other airports and employing enough staff to meet demand if they truly want to be world class. Otherwise they’re just a busy but ineffective mess.

Moving on…

Due to their prevalence on the Twitter feeds, it’s pretty much impossible to avoid drab, uninteresting boy band One Direction these days. Which is why it’s hilarious that this week they complained about how little they get paid.

Here’s the thing though. They’re a Simon Cowell vehicle, which is the first flaw in their argument. They want to make vast amounts of money as musicians? Well, maybe going down a route that involved Simon Cowell wasn’t such a great idea. See, here’s the thing, One Direction, Simon Cowell is the antichrist. He’s a vile demon of a man that likes to devour the souls of delusional people who believe him when he says he can make them famous. This is why we never hear anything from X Factor contestants after their first single. They get taken to Cowell’s cave and sealed in carbonite, so he can continue feeding off their essence. The more souls he has in captivity, the stronger he gets.

So by signing a deal with him, you have literally sold away your soul. Expect to be his bitch for another year or so before another bunch of pretty boys come prancing along in his path, and then it’s straight to the carbonite cave for you.

Fair play to them, they have realised that the real money in music comes in songwriting due to the greater amount of money you receive in royalties, but their statement on wanting to write their own music is hilarious. They claim they never want their music to sound like it’s been written by some 40-year old in an office. Except that accurately describes the entirety of their first album. Protip: the statement you wanted to make was that you want to take charge of your musical careers, not that you never want to sound like something you already do sound like.

The worst part is they watched A Hard Day’s Night and decided they wanted to do that. Let me tell you something about The Beatles. Lennon and McCartney were writing songs before they were a band. You guys didn’t even know each other before you were a band. Also, you guys strike me as completely bland and humourless, something The Beatles never were personality-wise.

Now, if you meant you wanted to start taking copious amounts of LSD and cheating on your girlfriends with Japanese conceptual artists, that I might be able to get behind. But something tells me you just watched the “Can’t Buy Me Love” segment and decided it’d be nice to go outside and play for a little bit.

Of course, this is the point where I realise I’m too old for mainstream pop music and doom myself to a life of hipster obscurity *listens to 90s trip-hop and jazz-influenced Japanese dance music for comfort*

And that was this week’s Weekly Report at The Cheap Ferret. I’ll have more next week, but for now please feel free to follow me on Twitter or take a look at my sister blog Sven vs. The Movies. My name is L. Haydn Price. Stay classy, San Diego.

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