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Archive for August, 2012

Worm In The Apple

August 28, 2012 2 comments

Imagine a world where a washing machine manufacturer sues another for making another product that washes clothes. Imagine a world where only one company is allowed to make a device that heats bread, and if anyone else does, then they’re forbidden to call it a toaster. Imagine if one television manufacturer was so scared of competition that they sued everybody else for using similar parts.

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Categories: Uncategorized

Clues For Sven vs. The Movies

August 16, 2012 Leave a comment

Hello ladies and gents, today I’m attempting to yet again promote my sister blog, Sven vs. The Movies. I recently came up with the idea of dropping hints for upcoming reviews through the use of cryptic hints. I already posted a whole bunch of clues up on Twitter (@SvenBTPF) and I’m going to repost them here for the hell of it.

“Brother and sister team up to complain about media misrepresentation, Monica meets her husband”

“From a distant nation, Jennifer Lopez should be ashamed of herself”

“Oh, you’re a scientist in Eastern Europe? YOU GET NOTHING!”

“One constant throughout the years, and that’s the fact you always work with Paul Newman”

“The Asian Clint Eastwood, a bit more strange”

“Starting a new writing project near a place with a lot of hanging lanterns”

The first of these clues was answered today with my posting of my Scream review, which relates to the first clue. The explanation is this:

The brother and sister complaining about media misrepresentation are actually Michael & Janet Jackson, in their duet “Scream”, which of course shares a name with the film I was hinting at. I toyed with the idea of mentioning how the music video is the most expensive ever made, but I chose not to.

To help steer people in the right direction, I added the bit about Monica meeting her husband. “Monica” is a reference to Monica Geller, a character in the TV show Friends, who is, of course, played by Courtney Cox. Cox was in Scream, along with David Arquette, who she would eventually go on to marry (I even mention this in my review, since their on-screen chemistry was strangely awful)

The other reviews are still on their way, so I won’t be giving answers to those clues just yet. But I will post back here, as well as on Twitter, with the answers as the reviews go up. Have fun guessing!

Categories: Uncategorized

Are We Done Yet?

August 2, 2012 Leave a comment

One interesting fact has emerged over the last few weeks that I feel needs to be pointed out. It seems that around the world, some people have forgotten that some of us don’t like sport.

That’s right, I’m talking about the Olympics, the colossal waste of money sitting in the East End of London, smirking down on everyone with its corporate sponsorship and its military escort, demanding its attention from everyone, regardless of what they think of sport.

I don’t like sport. Never have, never will. I’ve no objection to playing certain sports as a form of exercise, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy watching them. Watching the Olympics, to me, is the dullest thing in the universe. I don’t care who wins, I’m not impressed by the athletic prowess on offer (well done, you can swim very fast, that’s nice) and I especially can’t care less about the cloying, mawkish human interest stories that get thrown up behind the athletes to make us supposedly care (his dad died of brain cancer, awww – tragic, yes, but it happens to a lot of people and I fail to see why this one person is special enough for me to care since I don’t know them).

Now, normally, this lack of interest in sport would be fine. I’d let you watch your running and your jumping, while I get on with my own life and stay interested in stuff that I find interesting. No one gets in anyone’s way, everyone gets what they want, it’s a win-win situation. In fact, this was how I approached Euro 2012, Wimbledon and the major cricket matches, and all was well. I was vaguely aware that they were on, but I could ignore them if I so wished. Everybody was happy.

The Olympics, however, are being forced down my throat at all times. I try and read the news, OLYMPICS. I go on Twitter, OLYMPICS. I read my damn email, HELLO I’M THE OLYMPICS PAY ATTENTION TO ME.

I don’t care. What’s worse is that I actually hate the London 2012 Olympics more than I generally dislike sport, simply because it’s in my country, and we’ve had to foot the bill for it. With schools, hospitals, the police, local council services, the military, border controls, etc. receiving massive cuts while unemployment continues to increase, the idea of spending £11 billion on a sporting event kind of irks me a little. If I was in charge of the budget, the Olympics would have been handed over to Paris. I hear France’s economy is doing well enough to handle it. Ours is not.

What’s worse is that because it’s in my country, I’m expected to be proud that we have it, and to show extra support for my country. It’s a sporting event. I don’t care. Winning a few gold medals won’t change my opinion of the UK. That’s not how things work for me. I care about culture, and art, and social issues, not gymnastics. I genuinely couldn’t care less if we had the Games or not, and I certainly have no real interest in supporting Team GB in anything.

What’s worse is that the UK’s behaviour in relation to the Games has actually made me feel worse about living here. First, I heard there was some controversial decision made in the gymnastics, which pushed Japan onto a silver medal and us down to a bronze. How did we react? By saying we should bomb Hiroshima again, or that the judges only felt sorry for the Japanese because they can’t see with their slitty eyes. That’s right, because of the outrageous slander of getting a slightly lesser medal (the first medal in that event for 100 years, no less!) we went outright racist. Gosh, I am so proud right now.

Sure, isolated incident, right? Not at all. When some swimmer failed to achieve a medal for Britain, some guy on Twitter started mouthing off, threatening to drown him in the pool. He was subsequently arrested for making death threats, but what made this worse, is that the father begged the police not to charge him, saying that “he needs help, not punishment” because apparently he has ADD. So, where exactly was this help coming from before he decided to send threatening messages to an athlete over A SPORT? Apparently not from his father. Parenting skills of Great Britain, ladies and gentlemen!

Think I’m done? Oh no, not yet. Another event, no idea which, didn’t care enough to look, resulted in not support for our athletes, but ridicule, since the nation decided they’d prefer to laugh at a woman’s face instead of supporting her athletic ability. What’s worse was that she wasn’t deformed or anything, she just simply didn’t have a model’s looks. Because that’s important in sport. I hear Wayne Rooney’s doing some photoshoots next week. Oh wait, no he isn’t because he looks like Shrek. I suppose because she’s female, she needs to be stunning and not, you know, let her ability speak for her.

On top of this, it’s even harder to feel proud of the UK when we can’t even seem to run the Games properly. Aside from terrible visibility at some venues (I hear the Aquatics Centre is the worst), we’ve had the entire cable car system break down on day one, the really expensive security force we cobbled together lost the keys to Wembley Stadium, the cycling events’ tracking system can be entirely knocked out by some guy checking his email on his phone 50 feet away, and all the seats are empty because none of the reserved corporate seats are being filled and no one figured out a backup system to prevent this.

Oh, and then there’s the small matter of us offending the entire nation of North Korea by showing the SOUTH Korean flag at one of the events in relation to their team. I’m sure it’s fine though. It’s not like the two Koreas are perpetually at war with one another, and I’m sure North Korea is quite laidback and has a sense of humour about these things…oh…OK…never mind.

I don’t feel proud of Britain for having the Olympics. In fact, the more I hear about it, the more I hate my own country. Our incompetence at running it, coupled with the outright disgusting attitudes presented by the British people watching it, makes me feel like an alien in my own country. Are we really this clueless and ignorant? Is the only important thing in this world some silly little sports day? Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this whole farcical event?

Tell me when it’s over, please. I’m going to the moon for a month to get away.