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I Gave You Time To Steal My Mind

November 22, 2012 Leave a comment Go to comments

So the other day, movie critic Mark Kermode wrote a piece on the Guardian website about how he much prefers Twilight to the Star Wars franchise, and that Twilight is actually a very good series.

It is my opinion that Mark Kermode is talking absolute bollocks.

Now, I’m not a crazed Star Wars fan who believes you should be stoned to death for daring to criticise George Lucas’ magnum opus. Hell, my review of Star Wars over on Sven vs. The Movies would tell you that I feel the franchise is immensely flawed in places. But to say Twilight is better has cemented my opinion that Mark Kermode has no idea what makes a film enjoyable.

He also says that the only reason people dislike Twilight and are so vocal about their dislike is because it’s cool to hate it. I have something to say, Kermode. I dislike Twilight because it’s vapid, shallow and dull. Nothing more than that.

You see, Twilight, as a franchise, is an abomination. The fact that it’s popular baffles me, and convinces me that the downfall of humanity really is happening. At least in the teenage girl demographic. Admittedly I’ve only seen the first two movies, but it’s enough.

In the first movie, literally nothing happens for much of its running time. A personality-free main character moves to live with her father because her mother wants to go off travelling with her new boyfriend and wants her daughter out of the way. She starts a new school where she makes tons of friends despite being intensely unlikeable and standoffish.

Enter Edward. OH EDWARD YOU DREAMBOAT OF UNWASHED HAIR. I’m not entirely sure how he and Bella end up talking since I think I fell asleep this early on, but start talking they do. Oh, sorry, did I say talking? I meant spending a lot of time awkwardly staring at each other because apparently that’s what love is now.

Edward demonstrates that he has SUPER STRENGTH and can punch a van and then reveals that SHOCK HORROR he’s a vampire, but in a considerably less entertaining way than Nicolas Cage.

Cue more awkward staring, a random EPIC baseball game soundtracked by Muse and then the sudden appearance of the bad vampires who are bad and then something bad happens with the bad vampires and Bella has to be saved by *~Edward~* and then it ends. OK then.

New Moon is worse. Edward leaves Bella (oh no!), Bella mopes for four hours, meets a Native American kid who likes taking his shirt off, who also turns out to be a werewolf (spoiler alert) and Bella immediately friend-zones him. She then drives to Italy (yep, from America!) on the basis of a magical prophecy by Edward’s super psychic sister.

Turns out, Edward plans to kill himself by sparkling. Let that sink in for a moment. Apparently it’s because the Vampire Pope doesn’t want people to know about vampires and if Edward sparkles in public, it’d reveal the existence of vampires and he must be murdered. Or, you know, people would just think a gay pride parade’s wandering through. Or a street artist. Or, well, basically anything other than a vampire.

But still, stuff happens after this, but none of it of any importance.

Later instalments feature Bella being forced into marriage by her domineering vampire boyfriend and a vampire-werewolf war being completely skipped over so that we can watch people glare at each other in a tent. There’s also that REALLY awkward plot point where Jacob falls in love with Bella’s perfect human-vampire hybrid baby.

The series is a mess. It’s boring, the characters are uninteresting and have no chemistry, the plot takes nonsensical twists for no reason and the acting is utterly bland. You can’t even justify it by saying “well, you’re not the target audience” because, personally, I like to think that teenage girls have the capacity to be more intelligent than this.

The only good thing about the new movie coming out soon is the fact that once it’s over, that’s the end of the Twilight movie franchise for the foreseeable future. And thank god for that.

  1. January 15, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    I really like his podcast, but I completely agree with you here. Kermode’s more of an entertainer than a critic to me. I really enjoy listening to his opinions, but I don’t usually expect to agree with them.

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