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NSFW

February 5, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

Disclaimer: While normally I like to think my content is relatively clean, this post is a bit of an exception. Consider the title a warning, so if you’re offended by swearing or discussions of spambots, then you might wanna give this post a miss.

I’ve been receiving some very strange emails lately. It’s been going on for a few months now, and it’s rather concerning.

They started out innocent enough. Just some local ladies I’ve never met emailing me because they were lonely and wanted to find a “special friend”. It’s a terrible world we live in where ladies have to email random strangers because no one else will talk to them.

But anyway, I chose to not reply to them, as horrible as that makes me sound. They were often so poorly written that it was pretty obvious that these emails were sent while the ladies were drunk, and responding would be to draw attention to their error in emailing me.

They were also very unclear about their definition of “special friend”. Were they looking for a new best friend? Because generally, a good friendship takes time to develop and grow and can’t be created by emailing random strangers. Perhaps they just needed someone to go and see a movie with them, or maybe they’re planning a sleepover and need someone to braid their hair and talk to them about boys. In which case, they’re barking up the wrong tree. I’m terrible at braiding hair.

Then they started sending me emails detailing exactly what they believe a “special friendship” entails. They wanted to send me pictures and they wanted me to look at them. Bit of an odd friendship, I thought. Perhaps these ladies are photographers and want me to give them criticism. Unfortunately, I’m bad at criticising photography so again I turn them down by not responding to the emails.

Suddenly the ladies became very forward with me. There was a reason they were so keen on pointing out how local they were. They were asking me for sexual favours at this point. Well, I’m sure you can understand how shocked I was by this. After all, I didn’t know these ladies particularly well, so these requests to provide some rather naughty things were quite shocking.

It wasn’t long before the whole façade broke down, when I received an email entitled “Japanese teen lesbians”…and…well, two more words that I don’t feel can be repeated here.

Wait, was this some kind of pornography thing? I was shocked. Those ladies had lied to me, with their promises of hair-braiding and aperture and shutter stock discussions. Well, not today. Offended, I deleted all the emails.

Then things got weird. With them still determined to get me to look at their porn, I received an incredibly odd email, entitled simply “Sex Olympics”.

Sex Olympics?! What exactly does that entail? 400m hurdles with gigantic penises to jump over? Archery with sperm-shaped arrows and targets that looked like eggs? High jump where the safety mat is a gigantic inflatable vulva? I’m perplexed and curious about this whole concept, and I would like to see them pursue this idea. Preferably in a manner that doesn’t involve simultaneously installing some kind of Trojan onto my computer.

The virus kind, not the condom, although at this point not a lot would surprise me.

Of course, the problem is, the BBC would never give this coverage. Channel 5 might, but who watches Channel 5?

Regardless of what their plans are for this unusual sporting event, they really need to stop emailing me. I hate the Olympics!

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