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Batffleck

Last week following world news made me feel depressed and kind of shut me down mentally for several days, so I made the decision to not talk about any scary world news stories this week. Fortunately, almost immediately a news story cropped up on my favourite subject: nerd rage.

In the world of nerd rage, the most terrible thing in the world right now isn’t the fact that the Middle East is on fire or the fact that press freedoms are apparently under attack in the UK, but the fact that an actor people don’t like has been cast as a popular superhero.

Priorities!

That’s right, Ben Affleck, the star of such gems as Gigli, has been cast as Batman in the upcoming Man Of Steel sequel. If you listen to the complaints, you’d think that Ben Affleck had personally kidnapped all their children, murdered their dog and scrawled offensive graffiti on the sides of their houses. Ben Affleck is apparently The Worst Man In The World™ and should never play a role as serious as the gruff billionaire who dresses as a bat and punches people in the face.

The epitome of a serious character

The nerd rage is so strong with this one that there are petitions. Worst of all, one of these petitions was up on the White House website, which means nerds of the world were genuinely asking the President Of The United States Of America to stop a casting decision in a superhero movie.

Priorities!

But is Ben Affleck really that bad? I mean, yeah, Gigli was a disaster of a movie that can be summed up in an entire scene of Jennifer Lopez describing oral sex as “turkey time”, and I know that Daredevil was apparently terrible too, which naturally doesn’t look good for his superhero CV, and sure, Armageddon was an overblown mess of a film and, of course, Pearl Harbour failed to be even remotely historically accurate, but hey, his work with Kevin Smith wasn’t that bad, right? And Argo won Oscars! Maybe he’s learning!

Um…he has an awesome beard now too, if that helps?

OK, fine, we need to look at this from another angle. Of course, the key thing to remember here is that it’s not the lead actor that decides the quality of the film itself, it’s the collaborative efforts of the writer, director, producer and assorted other crew members that make a film work. So maybe it won’t be such a bad movie after all, as long as Affleck does his job decently, and everyone else does their job well.

I mean, Christian Bale was an awesome Batman, but even the most obsessed comic book fans have to admit that The Dark Knight Rises wasn’t that great, since it was trying so hard to shove as many characters in as possible because Christopher Nolan apparently wanted an Inception reunion, and Batman himself spends most of the movie lying in bed in a cave.

Also, what was all this about?!

So perhaps we shouldn’t automatically assume the casting choices are going to make this Man of Steel sequel terrible.

Oh wait, no, it’s going to be a Man Of Steel sequel. Silly me. It’s definitely going to be terrible. But I’m not basing this on Affleck’s casting. I’m basing it on the fact that it’s the sequel to a movie about a bland man with a Jesus complex punching another man with genocidal tendencies through multiple buildings until the entire planet has been destroyed (but somehow he’s saved it!). Oh, and Kevin Costner casually backs into a tornado.

My reaction to Man Of Steel

What’s worse is that Man Of Steel 2 sounds like really bad fan-fiction. Let’s put Superman and Batman together in a single movie! Won’t that be awesome!

No, because I can predict the entire plot. Superman goes to stop someone evil (most likely Lex Luthor), gets paralysed by green rocks, Batman appears for some reason, does Superman’s job for a while, destroys the Kryptonite, Superman punches men through buildings some more and destroys the entire city (again!) and Batman ends up just hanging around looking moody while Superman gets all the credit. If that’s the storyline, I’m going to need some royalties because I posted it here first.

Or Superman is just a dick to Batman, that works too

Isn’t the combination of Superman and Batman kind of silly? They’re not on the same power level so Superman needs to be exposed to Kryptonite so they’re on level pegging, and that gets a little tired after a while. Batman’s universe can be twisted in a way to make it feel semi-realistic (The Dark Knight proved this), while Superman’s is just cartoon fluff, so combining them in a movie just feels awkward. Man Of Steel proved that Superman’s story simply cannot be dark and gritty without looking silly, so what good will adding Batman do?

So, nerds, please can your rage for the time being. Give Affleck a chance, and let’s remember that even if the movie does turn out bad, it’s not necessarily his fault. He just really needs to get a better agent.

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  1. Aaron
    August 27, 2013 at 9:32 am

    I agree with all of these points as a whole; I cannot stand Superman as a character altogether so adding a Batman who is only going to cause controversy for the wrong reasons isn’t going to make me want to see the sequel any more than I previously did.

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