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Friday Report: Gypsy Danger

January 12, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments

They told us to be careful. They warned us. They told us they were coming.

For the past few months, the British have been given a strong warning about the very real danger of a terrifying invasion. An invasion that would completely reshape the landscape of our country.

We were told they would descend on New Year’s Eve, in the midst of the parties and celebration, ready to take our jobs and our women. We were told they would prey on all of us and drain us of our life force, turning us painfully into them.

I am, of course, referring to the Invasion Of The Romanians. EU restrictions on the Romanians’ ability to work in other European countries would be lifted, giving them the same freedom as everybody else. This, of course, meant that every single Romanian was immediately going to move to the UK and destroy it from the inside.

The media was pretty convinced too. After all, they gave us figures. Some claimed that those figures were higher than the actual population of Romania and had to be revised, but that doesn’t mean they were made up, so don’t even go there, OK?

Romanians are, of course, a real threat. Dracula was Romanian, right? So therefore all Romanians are vampires. Gypsy vampires. And they’ve all invaded the UK because nobody can stop them! Hide yo’ kids! Hide yo’ wife!

Although, it’s strange. We were warned so extensively about this vampire invasion that it’s weird we’re not getting many news stories about people having their blood drained and turning into bats or other weird things.

Then again, I’m not in the UK right now so I haven’t seen the damage myself, so it’s entirely possible that the UK has been so overrun that it’s impossible to get information out. Maybe it’s all gone dead because the Romanians did so much damage. It’s terrifying, guys! You should be terrified! It would explain why I wasn’t able to get on my scheduled flight home. It wasn’t the polar vortex! It was the GYPSY VAMPIRES DESTROYING THE UK!

Wait, no, I read that one news story that said that all the airlines were only getting Romanians returning to the UK after a Christmas break. You know what that means, right? No, not that all of this was an overblown scare story made up to distract the population. It means that THEY WERE ALREADY HERE. They’d already infiltrated our society! HIDE YO KIDS! HIDE YO WIFE!

Which probably explains a lot. Britain is full of a lot of dead-eyed people who moan a lot, much like I imagine vampires would do. And it’s always grey, like someone has installed a device to keep the weather permanently miserable because vampires hate sunlight.

I, for one, am terrified. I don’t want to be eaten by a gypsy vampire, or whatever it is that gypsy vampires do to people. I want to be free to do what I want to do, and I want to get loaded, and have a good time.

Is there anything we can do about the Romanians? When I manage to get back to the UK, I will be equipping myself with garlic and silver bullets. I know silver bullets are werewolves, but that’s basically the same thing as vampires.

Wait, they’re all gypsies too, so maybe if I give them trinkets they won’t put a curse on me and drag me to Hell. If I buy some things specifically for gypsies to steal, they’ll think I’m their friend! That’s how it works, right?

Readers, I am seriously scared right now. I don’t know what the Romanians are going to do to me. What if they do steal my job and my woman? What would I do?

I mean, they’re targeting the UK because that’s the only EU country available to them. It’s not like the lifted restrictions also apply to other places or anything. And the UK is such an attractive country to them too. We have…all that stuff! And the other things! We’re so great it makes sense that they wouldn’t go anywhere else. We may not have the weather of the Mediterranean or the economy of Germany or the architecture of France or the food of Italy or the human rights of Scandinavia but…we have Doctor Who! They want to take Doctor Who away from us!

Please send help, rest of the world. We’re suffering the curse of the gypsy vampires and we’re helpless to stop it.

Apparently, anyway.

(This blog post is meant as satire and is not reflective of my general opinion of Romanians. I’ve never met a Romanian, I’ve never been to Romania, but I assume that some of them are decent people and others are total dicks, just like people of every other nationality.)

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