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Slow News Week

January 18, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments

I enjoy following what’s going on in the world, and that’s why I write the Friday Report, because it allows me a platform to comment on the world and pretend I’m some fancy columnist with a major news outlet, offering insightful and informative commentary. No really, I am perfectly capable of doing that, just you wait and see.

The problem is, when slow news weeks happen, I get into a situation where I sit at my laptop and agonise about what to write, and numerous times in the past I’ve shuffled off, admitted defeat and not posted anything at all. This isn’t really good practice. I have to pretend I have a grizzled editor folding his arms and demanding today’s column on his desk by midnight or else I’m out on my arse.

For some reason my grizzled editor resembles Sully from the Uncharted series wearing a pinstripe suit. I apparently imagine myself working for a newspaper in the 1930s, I guess.

“I need that story pronto, kid. I got a date with a hooker”

So what does an aspiring columnist such as myself do when the news isn’t interesting enough to make a single post? Why, I make a post complaining about how there’s no news to report. And you’re going to read it. Sit down and listen.

(And yes, I’m aware that I’m posting the Friday Report on a Saturday. I imagine this is due to my grizzled editor being too drunk and surrounded by whores on Friday night to post it on time, and that’s the excuse I’m sticking to)

So, I browsed around looking for ideas. Where to start? Well, there is all that fuss over Benefits Street, a Channel 4 documentary series that shows people on benefits, seemingly so that middle class people can sneer and say that the government is entirely right to cut benefits and let the poor sort themselves out. That is, if the middle class can decide who they actually are, as the BBC have pointed out.

People are rightfully saying that Benefits Street is misrepresentative of people on benefits, that a few isolated bad eggs abusing the system do not speak for the genuine people who are struggling to stand on their own two feet. But we’re the country that needs The Daily Hate Hour or else we collapse in the street.

Clearly the real explanation to Radiohead’s “Just” video

The reason I’m not writing much beyond that is simply because my knowledge of the show comes second hand. I never watched it myself. Partly because I could see it for the half-hearted propaganda and shameless Big Brother-style media circus it was, and partly because I wasn’t in the UK when it was on TV.

So if not that, then what? Perhaps the Oscar nominations could provide some joy. Snarking about films? I can do that!

Except I can’t because the Oscars are typically so DULL. I’ve watched barely any new films this year, since my attention has usually been on the films for SvTM above all else. The ones I have seen are films that typically don’t get nominated for Oscars. Well, one of them did, but it’s been nominated for things like editing and visual effects, and no one cares about those.

As usual, it’s the typical parade of schmaltzy dramas and Based On A True Stories that has come to make the Oscars appear to be generally a meaningless pat-on-the-back-fest for the luvvies of Hollywood. That said, I have heard good things about Gravity and would quite like to see it despite everything.

It’s OK, World’s End, you’ll always be MY Best Picture

But on the whole, I’m fairly indifferent on the topic of the Oscars, so I can’t really cover that. The above two paragraphs were my entire commentary on the matter. Well, damn.

Anything interesting going on in politics? Not really. The Guardian published a story about a possible minimum wage rise with an amusing picture of George Osbourne’s nose obscured by a microphone, but that’s about the most interesting thing that happened. Why can’t Cameron wheel out another crazy backbencher to spout wisdom from the Victorian era, or why can’t Ed Milliband challenge his political rivals to a free-for-all cage match? That’d spice things up a bit.

That picture reposted here just because it’s amusing

OK, so things are getting desperate. Time for some celebrity news. Normally I like to avoid the celebrity gossip sections of the news because I like to feed my brain, not make it melt out of my ears. But desperate times call for desperate measures.

Thankfully, there is some fun news there. Justin Bieber apparently has been a dick to the point where his house has been raided and there’s a high likelihood that he could be deported from the US. Apparently he’d been egging his neighbour’s house and had caused a lot of property damage. About $20k worth of damage. Apparently there was a battering ram involved, although I’m not sure if that was Bieber or the police when they raided his house. I kind of skim read the story, I’m afraid.

Anyway, I know that I should be an adult and not make fun of cheesy pop stars whose target audience is pre-teen girls who don’t know any better, but to be fair, Bieber is an irritating cocktool who deserves a bit of a slap. To show that I’m reasonable, his peers One Direction are just as bland musically and have just as irritating and hormonal an audience, but at least as people they’re just harmless puppy children so I feel no need to be particularly harsh towards them.

So yes, it is pretty amusing that Bieber could be deported from the US, since he’s Canadian and on a work visa, and causing $20k worth of damage is generally frowned upon by the immigration authorities who assign those visas. The only problem is, getting him deported would require Canada taking him back, and I’m not sure they’d be all too willing. Guess we’ll just have to see what happens.

So thank you, Justin Bieber. You brightened up an otherwise dull news week. This is probably the only time I will thank you for anything, so make the most of it. And remember, kids, don’t egg someone’s house. You never know when it might get you kicked out of the country.

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  1. January 19, 2014 at 1:50 pm

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