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Top 10 Suggestions for the FF7 Remake

November 6, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments

As part of my Chronological Challenge, I’ve been playing Final Fantasy VII a lot lately. It’s a pretty neat game. If you haven’t heard of it, and let’s be honest here, it was pretty obscure, it’s a game where you are a man with a sword who commits acts of terrorism before chasing after a man with a bigger sword after he commits a bigger act of terrorism. It’s good, wholesome family fun!

You may be aware, this game is going to get a remake. Lord knows why, because no one asked for it, but it’s happening anyway. But since I’ve been playing the original, it got me thinking. Inevitably, with this remake, things are going to get chopped and changed. Some things are going to be left back in 1997, while other aspects are going to be improved and tweaked. And having the original fresh in my mind again, I think I’m the best person in the world to decide what needs to happen. Here are my top 10 suggestions.

10. Aerith Lives!

We all love Aerith, the plucky flower girl who’s Limit Breaks are a pain in the arse to get because her attack power is typically so weak. She is a huge aspect of the storyline, and she touches everyone’s hearts.

Well, spoiler alert, she dies. She gets a sword put through her then she drops a marble and you have to fight an Elder God from outer space in revenge while someone plays the piano a bit. It’s the saddest moment in the history of all entertainment.

The problem is, for the remake, everyone will be expecting this. Oh yeah, we get to the City of the Ancients, then Aerith dies. It’s a tragedy, largely because you put in all that effort to level her up in the first place.

But wouldn’t it shake things up considerably if Aerith didn’t die at the end of the City of the Ancients? Imagine the shock and awe when everyone expects her to die and then she lives! It would throw everyone for a loop, and Square would be considered geniuses and then she could die as intended at the end of the Great Glacier instead.

9. Date Night at the Gold Saucer

At one point, Cloud gets to go on a date with a girl in the party. The girl you go on the date with is entirely decided on the choices you make and how much time you spend with the girls in question. If you treat all the girls badly, you get to go on a date with the local Mr T impersonator Barret instead. Which is, of course, the correct option.

But JRPGs have moved on a lot since 1997. A random decision based on arbitrary choices throughout the game will never fly with JRPG players today. But I don’t believe the date night should be scrapped. Instead, there should be some sort of gameplay mechanic that allows you to befriend and romance your party members, and your affinity with them can grant bonuses in battle. And they allow you to fuse new Summon Materia from old, useless Summon Materia.

This is a completely untested system that no game has ever used before, of course, but in 2015, someone needs to finally make a video game where you can get the martial arts chick to fall in love with you just by saying the correct things to her during pre-defined social interactions.


Artist’s Impression

I call this system the Social Connection, which is nice and catchy and will really bring FF7 into the 21st Century. You think it sounds crazy and it’ll never work, but just you watch.

8. Red XIII Walks and Talks

In FF7, you can gain a party member who is a wolf-lion thing, but he can talk despite his quadruped leanings, and is a very sage, very noble warrior type who wants revenge on the evil corporation because they experimented on him. Fair enough.

At one point, your party has to get on board a ship, but they need to stay in disguise as the bad guys. This includes Red, who dons a soldier uniform and walks incredibly convincingly. And by that I mean “wobbly”.

This moment is hugely underutilised. There needs to be a full mini-game, in the style of Octodad, where you have to walk around as Red XIII. Imagine the hilarity of how difficult it is to stand on both feet (isn’t it?), and how relatable this is to those of us who use two legs regularly.

Without this, my immersion would be broken and I would never see Red XIII as an important character. It’s massively important to the story that we explore this further.

7. Mr Dolphin mini-game

While we’re on mini-games, the Mr Dolphin section needs to go further. As it stands, the mini-game in the current game is limited to pushing a button repeatedly until you get Cloud on a tiny beam. BORING.

Instead, we need a game where Mr Dolphin is really challenged. Perhaps he could travel to find a giant blue whale, meet a mysterious creature known as the Asterite, and then go to Atlantis to travel back in time so he can put Cloud on top of a tiny beam. I think it’ll work out nicely. And the fun never ends, because this would allow Squeenix to play their own game called “Avoid Sega’s Lawyers”. It’d be wonderful.

Artist’s Impression

6. Mandatory Chocobo Breeding

We all have fond memories of chocobo breeding, don’t we? Remember the nostalgic thrill of running around chocobo tracks for hours before you realised you forgot to equip the Chocobo Lure Materia? Remember the wonder of finding a chocobo, only for it to run away before you get a chance to throw greens at it? Remember when you finally caught one and it was yet another low-level chocobo that doesn’t get you remotely closer to getting a gold one? Remember all that? Yeah?

Okay, here’s my idea. More of that, but now it’s mandatory. You don’t get the buggy or the Tiny Bronco or the airship. You have to breed chocobos. Forever.

5. Microtransactions

Look, Squeenix have a potential gold mine on their hands here. The Gold Saucer has its own currency. If Squeenix don’t make this a premium currency that requires real money to purchase, they’re missing a huge opportunity. Who wants to race chocobos or go snowboarding until they get enough to play the roller coaster game once? Pfft. No one, that’s who.

Instead, GP should be purchased with real money. This is what all the kids are into these days, and it really isn’t a terrible idea that should be thrown into the sun.

4. Whatever This Is


3. Triple Triad

Because FF7 is the only PS1 Final Fantasy that lacks its own card game. This needs to be rectified.

Also, microtransactions to buy rare cards. It’s a genius idea.

2. Sephiroth

I know we all enjoyed Advent Children and George Newbern’s Oscar-winning portrayal of Sephiroth Q. Katzenberger, but the remake needs to go back to basics. Newbern was good, but he’s not the original voice of Sephiroth, and it’s disappointing that they keep bringing him back to voice the character in games like Dissidia Duodecim Fabula Nova Crystalis End Layer.

No, the remake needs to bring back his true voice actor, Lance “The Gay One From N*Sync” Bass. He was the first actor to really flesh out Sephiroth, and Newbern’s portrayal wasn’t nearly as potent as Bass’.

If Squeenix fail to bring back this true visionary to play everyone’s favourite Man With Big Sword, then they will lose a lot of sales.

1. Homoerotic Bathing To Become The Prettiest Girl


You knew this would be number one, because my love of this whole sequence is well-documented. Cloud’s quest to become The Prettiest Girl was incredibly progressive for its time. It showed the world that no man should be ashamed of wearing a dress, and that Cloud was comfortable enough in his sexuality that he could comfortably bathe with several burly, oiled-up, sexy men in spandex.

I’m a big supporter of improved representation in gaming, and this sequence is truly important in proving that games are for everyone. Removing this sequence would be a blow to LGBT rights everywhere.

So please, let’s have HD close-ups of these fabulous fellows, and have Cloud not only being able to be The Prettiest Girl for this sequence, but he should be allowed the freedom to wear this dress for the rest of the game. Imagine the drama of Cloud guiding Tifa through the demented remnants of his mind in the Life Stream while wearing a stunning Louis Vitton evening gown.

Let Cloud be who he truly wants to be, Squeenix.

So yes, include all these features and FF7 Remake will be the much-anticipated event we all deserve. Thank you, Squeenix, for giving this niche title more chance to flourish.

  1. November 7, 2015 at 3:21 pm

    Ha clicked the link to read your thoughts and really enjoyed your take on this “niche” game. Also really enjoyed the Persona social link bit. Perfect

  1. November 18, 2015 at 12:42 pm

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